Hello, Kitty? Plastic Surgeon Peddles "Designer Vaginas"

A GYNECOLOGIST in Beverly Hills has come up with a new and improved way to snatch women's dollars and make us feel bad about our bodies. Unload several thousand bucks on this doc, and he will "surgically reconstruct" your vagina in about an hour. Designer Laser Vaginoplasty, as he calls it, is purely an "aesthetic surgical enhancement." Translation: in addition to the paranoia women already feel about how our vaginas smell, taste, and feel—as well as the numerous gyno responsibilities of keepin' em healthy—we're now supposed to stress about having pretty kitties, whatever the hell that even means.

For those cherry-poppin' mamis who want to create the illusion of virginity without the hassle of sacrificing sex, he also offers surgical reconstruction of the hymen. Why? Because he's "sensitive to the needs of various ethnic and cultural customs in this area of intimacy and social concern." At least he's sensitive about something. —Pia Guerrero