No matter what your size, if you're a woman, chances are you've heard plenty of unsolicited comments about your body.

"You've put on a few pounds, haven't you?"
"Girl, you need to put some meat on those bones."
"My, how you've (ahem) grown. And I don't mean taller."
"Oh, look, honey -- she's finally developing!"

Kinda makes you cringe just to think about it, eh?

As a fat chick, I've had both close friends and perfect strangers approach me with diet tips, exercise advice, and a host of rude remarks. Some were well-intentioned (but still misguided). Others were downright malicious.

For the longest time, I never stood up to these people. I was so stunned by their hurtful remarks, I couldn't think of a good comeback until they'd walked away. Since then, I've compiled a handy stock of responses. Use 'em, adapt 'em, and invent your own.

HOW TO SPOT AN OFFENDER

In my experience, people who make rude body comments fall into three categories:

They Mean Well. When these folks set their radars on your body, they really don't mean to hurt you. This group includes the relative who pinches your waist teasingly, or the friend who nags you about working out. Fortunately, it's easy to break their bad habits. Once you let 'em know that their comments and actions simply won't be tolerated, they usually become mortified and apologetic.

It's All Relative (Friends & Family). There may be some genuinely rude people in this group. However, since they're of the close-knit variety, you're often forced to handle them gently. Keeping the peace doesn't mean condoning their unwelcome comments. It just means that before you fly off the handle with them, you should first try a firm and tactful approach.

The Imperfect Stranger. These are the strangers who yell insults while you walk down the street. Or the people who approach you with unsolicited opinions, as though it's their moral duty to "help" you. Obviously, my least favorite category.

Here are just a few of the rude fat comments I've heard in the past few months, and some of the responses I've tried.

"You're fat!"

Yes I am -- thanks for noticing! Is THAT what this stuff on my hips is? Who knew?   Damn, you're perceptive. Did you figure that out by yourself, or did someone help you with that?

"You really should lose weight."

You really should mind your own business.   As long as my doctor says I'm healthy, I'm fine.   Thanks, I'll take that into consideration. (this gets rid of them quickly)

"You don't need to eat that."

Maybe not, but you sure need to learn some manners!   I may not NEED to, but I WANT to.   I decide what I eat and when. Thanks anyhow.

"If you lost some weight, you'd (insert unrealistic promise)."

If I lost weight, I'd lose my cleavage.   If you had a brain, you'd realize how stupid that sounded.   If I was a guy, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

"My, you've put on weight!"

And I see you haven't changed a bit.   My, how rude you've gotten!   Are you always this complimentary, or is this a special occasion?

"Look at yourself!"

Why? Do I have food stuck in my teeth?   When was the last time YOU looked in the mirror?   With that cheap toupee (weave, mustache, face, etc.), you're telling ME to look at myself?

"Fat pig ."

Do you talk to your mother with that mouth? Do you practice every day, or were you born this tacky?   You must be mistaken. The last time I looked, I didn't have a tail.

"If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't be so fat."

Are you the food police?   Most large people don't eat any differently than thin people.   If you didn't talk so much, you wouldn't be so stupid.   Have you been looking in my windows and watching me eat again?

"Maybe if you got a little exercise, you wouldn't be so fat."

How often do YOU work out?   Contrary to popular belief, you CAN be fit and fat.   Maybe if you learned some manners, you wouldn't be so rude.

A few all-purpose respsonses to fat remarks:

Damn, how RUDE! Go pick on someone your own size. I'm big -- there's more of me to love! My mama taught me better manners than that.

Remember, you don't have to make excuses or explanations for your weight. People who make insulting remarks about your body are just plain rude! It's time to start sticking up for ourselves, and pointing the finger back at the fools who try to put us down.