Is Agreeing to Painful Sex Really Consent?

By Augusta Gardener

According to American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, 3 in 4 women will experience pain with intercourse at some point in their lives. That’s a lot of women. A majority of women, in fact. You’d think that this would be something that would be well-known, since it affects about 38% of the population (quick math!) So, why didn’t I know about this until it happened to me?

When I went to the doctor for this pain, I was dismissed multiple times. As tests came back indicating I had no treatable medical problem, like an infection, STI, or other structural condition, the doctor simply shrugged like, it’s a real bummer that I couldn’t enjoy . Essentially, they had no real concern with my excruciating pain nor the effect it was having on my relationship and well-being. I can say anecdotally from others that I know have struggled with pelvic pain that this story of “mysterious vaginal pain” that doctors don’t seem to care about is all too common. Studies show that in general women’s pain is taken less seriously—female pain is seen as dramatic and overstated, like we are making a big deal out of nothing, perhaps being “too sensitive”, like women are, you know?

Essentially, what I got from this experience was a) whatever was happening to me was not normal and no doctors were going to make an effort to try and solve it, and b) that my ability to enjoy sex was utterly insignificant. Our society consistently devalues female pleasure, making it less important than male sexual pleasure. Because , our pleasure has long been ignored.

Painful intercourse is also stigmatized culturally because of the complete and utter lack of representation of this issue. Have you ever seen a TV or movie story line that includes a young woman experiencing painful sex and having to tell her partner? What about the pain that women experience after giving birth, or during menopause? Pain after sexual abuse or trauma? If you have, please let me know. I’d be delighted to watch.

girl sitting alone

The lack of discussion around this issue makes those who experience it feel shame, embarrassment, and loneliness. For me, I felt abnormal (even thought I know the word “normal” is never a good way to describe anything to do with bodies or sex). Had I known that 3 out of 4 women experience this pain, or seen it represented in some sort of media, medical brochure, or even discussed on social media or in the awesome recent sex-positive movements, perhaps those who experience this pain wouldn’t feel so different and so alone.

And perhaps women would have an easier time talking about their pain with sexual partners.

Painful sex complicates our notions of consent. Can women give consent if we are in pain? Is it really consent if she is ignoring the pain because she feels obligated to continue having sex, or just doesn’t want to hurt her partner’s feelings? Why do women give verbal consent for intercourse even when it hurts badly? Recent discussions of consent have brought up that even when women say yes to sex, it ”—pressure to have sex and please a male partner can contribute to women saying yes while they suffer tremendous amounts of pain, and do not enjoy the sex at all. (I’m not talking about BDSM, in which pain is a consensual part of the sexual experience). Sexual liberation and inclusion for all gender identities and experiences remains incomplete for countless reasons, one of which being that sex and women’s pleasure is still taboo in our patriarchal culture.

The fact that we don’t talk about painful sex makes it taboo, and harder to address, let alone discuss. Fear in bringing up sexual pain is a huge barrier for women trying to overcome it.

It is likely anyone reading this will know someone affected by pain during intercourse. So what can be done about the stigma and confusion surrounding it? Talk about it. And if someone you know or someone you love is experiencing sexual pain, assure them that they are not alone and that it can be overcome. We all deserve love, acceptance, and happiness outside of sex. Arm yourself with knowledge. And advocate for yourself and others at the doctor’s office. You deserve to have your pain validated and treated. Use the internet to your advantage; there are a lot of resources out there for those experiencing this pain. If your partner is suffering from painful sex, don’t ignore it. Take their pain seriously as well and be as involved in the process of recovery as they wish you to be.

Define consent and your limits with your partner. Is it ok if it hurts a little? How will you check in? What will you say so that they know to stop? Or even to start? Your partner may become worried he’s really harming you, which can affect his ability to have sex as well. Discussing this beforehand can help alleviate the stress of having to stop mid-act because of pain.

Everyone deserves to have enjoyable, consensual, pain-free sex. And just because women experience this pain at a higher rate than men, it doesn’t mean it can be another health problem ignored and under-researched. Pelvic and other pain during intercourse is a real health issue, and until doctors and society at large, including the feminist and sex-positive movements, recognize this, countless women will suffer in silence. Discussing barriers to sexual enjoyment is the first step in releasing shame and stigma. So let’s get talking!